My Alternative Gaming Awards 2011

It’s that time of year where magazines/podcasts/websites all start handing out awards for GOTY, best multiplayer, etc etc. That’s a bit boring so I’m going to do my alternative gaming awards. I may miss out some obvious contenders but can only include games I’ve actually played this year. Now on with the show, drum-roll please!

The Most Fun You Can Have With A Corpse
Skyrim was a good contender here, you can strip corpses down to their undies and zombify them, but the winner is Dead Island.  Not only can you kill the undead but once down you can hack off their limbs and head then kick the torso at your mates.

Best Use Of Innuendo
With it’s ‘gang bangs’ and ability to let me joyfully exclaim “DOUBLE PENETRATION!”, this award can only go to Bulletstorm.

Most Satisfying Way Of Getting Over A Waist-High Wall
A hotly contended category this year. Gears of War 3 may assume they have it in the bag and Batman is in with a chance with his bunny hops but Battlefield 3 comes out of nowhere with it’s smooth, glidey motion to swoop up this award.

Best Lag 2011
It could have been a great multiplayer title but the undisputed king of lag 2011 award goes to… Brink!

Greatest Older Game That Finally Got Played In 2011
A few games were finally started up this year but the award goes to the wacky, charming, poop-filled Castle Crashers.

Best Game Where Somebody Dies And You’re All Like “NOOOO!” And Stop To Have A Little Cry Then Avenge Their Death By Shooting Those Enemy Bastard Motherfuckers In The Head While Still Whimpering “No, Nooo” To Yourself And The Next Day You Buy Yourself Some Pet Goldfish And Name One Of Them After The Character As An Act Of Remembrance
Gears of War 3 thought it may be in with a chance of winning this fairly niche award but, to be honest, I lolled at that part, sorry Gears. The winner is Modern Warfare 3!

Best Use Of A Guy From A Barclay’s Advert
Congratulations to Stephen Merchant and Portal 2.

Highest Amount Of Level Deja Vu Experienced
With little variety in their levels this is a close run race but Gears of War 3 with it’s lambent/locust rotation was just pipped to the post by Earth Defence Force: Insect Armageddon. Who would have thought jetpacks, spaceships and giant bugs would have gotten dull after a while? That’s quite an achievement.

Best Game I Stole From The Children To Play With Myself
Disney Adventures was in with a shot until I grew weary of doing fetch quests for Goofy so the undisputed winner is de Blob 2.

Game I Would Rather Hammer Nails Into My Hands Than Have To Play Again
EDF: Insect Armageddon and Gears of War 3 have returned to fight for another award. This winner may be an unpopular result with the three people I know who actually enjoyed it but no amount of serapede action can save Gears of War 3 from winning this one.

Best Shout In A Game
The competition is fierce in this category. There’s the classic “REVIVE ME” from Gears of War 3 and the eloquent “I’M GETTING FUCKED IN THE ASS OVER HERE” from Battlefield 3 but the winner, predictably, is Skyrim‘s “FUS RO DAH”.

It’s Really Pretty But… Award
This winner was highly rated by some, disliked by others, a complete marmite of a game. The only thing I could say about it was that it’s pretty. I found it tedious and souless though. Congratulations RAGE.

Most Imaginative Deaths 2011
A lot of innocent lives were lost in Scribblenauts for iOS thanks to spawning kraken, dinosaurs and evil twins, Batman: Arkham City had Catwoman knocking out thugs using her thighs and Battlefield 3 has epic deaths all over the shop. However, the award goes to Bulletstorm, especially for it’s Dead Rock map where you can finish off enemies using man eating plants and t-rex skulls.

Bastard Of The Year 2011
Nominations for the coveted gaming BOTY 2011 title included Dead Island’s Ram and Skyrim’s frost trolls/bears/giants but the biggest bastard, thanks to his inept driving causing me to rage numerous times, goes to… Burnout Crash’s Dr Beat ambulance.

That concludes my Alternative Gaming Awards 2011, congratulations to all the winners!

6 Responses to "My Alternative Gaming Awards 2011"

  1. Toffer says:

    Love it. XD Dr, Dr Beat…

  2. hilikus says:

    This is a great alternative list, with some real imaginative categories. Personal favourite ‘Game I Would Rather Hammer Nails Into My Hands Than Have To Play Again’ haha, couldn’t agree more Gears3 sucked :P

  3. Jokesound says:

    Best Game Where Somebody Dies And You’re All Like “NOOOO!” And Stop To Have A Little Cry Then Avenge Their Death By Shooting Those Enemy Bastard Motherfuckers In The Head While Still Whimpering “No, Nooo” To Yourself And The Next Day You Buy Yourself Some Pet Goldfish And Name One Of Them After The Character As An Act Of Remembrance

    Had me laughing hysterically. Awesome job, Kat :D

  4. Tony says:

    Best shout should have gone to Battlefield 3, but not for the one mentioned. This one is the true champion:

    “WE’RE GETTING OUR SHIT PUSHED IN HERE!”

    Still revolts me and amuses me in equal measure.

  5. JohnnyFartPant5 says:

    Great piece. I’m jealous. I wish I’d thought of that. But way-to-to missy. You rock! :o)

  6. Ste says:

    Nice list goth face. I couldnt agree more with most of them .
    Doctor Beat is more of a dickhead rather than a bastard though.

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