Job Vacancy: Video Game Goon

VIDEO GAME GOON
Ref no 8329

Wage          Meets national minimum
Hours         Full time, days to be arranged
Location    Top secret facilities
Start           Immediate
Pension     Unlikely, due to applicant’s inevitable demise

Description
The Ministry of Henchmen is looking to recruit 250 goons for an upcoming, as yet untitled, video game. Applicants must be male, aged approximately 25-30, of low to very low IQ and willing to go through extensive surgery to look identical. A generic South London accent would be an advantage. Required skills include:

-Being ineffectual with a variety of weapons.
-Mild amnesia, forgetfulness and a half-arsed attitude.
-The inability to look behind boxes, inside air vents or to turn around.
-Experiencing extreme panic at the death of a fellow goon.
-Knowing 3-5 stock phrases e.g. ”come out you coward”, “I know you’re there” or “he’s over here”.

Training can be given but priority will be given to applicants with prior experience in respawning, mundane small talk and standing in one position for a prolonged period of time. You will be completely dispensable but there are opportunities for promotion for the right candidates including Tough Goon (extra armour), Special Weapon Goon (mini-guns, grenades) or even End Level Boss.

 

Leave a Reply