My Alternative Gaming Awards 2012

It’s the time of year that we start debating our Game of the Year for 2012 but like in 2011 (clicky here to go back in time – Alternative Gaming Awards) I’ll be doing things a little differently. If I was held at railgunpoint and had to pick my Best Game Evah for 2012 then it would probably be Dishonored. Although it wasn’t perfect, the gameplay reminded me a lot of Arkham Asylum. Plus it let me indulge in my secret fantasy of watching my enemies be slowly devoured by a swarm of infected rats… So on with the proceedings!

The Game Most Likely To Send You Into A Murderous Rage And Make The Hulk Look Like A Helpless Baby Panda By Comparison

Yesterday we picked up Super Meat Boy in the XBLA Winter Sale so perhaps a whole new level of pain awaits me but there can only be one winner for 2012. It’s the only game this year where I screamed at the TV exactly what it’s mother sucks in hell – congratulations to Trials Evolution!

The Highest Possible Chaos And Destruction Caused By Somebody Who’s Meant To Be A Skilled Silent Assassin

I do love the occasional bit of stealth but I seem to own glitchy copies of games or something because I end up running around like a panicked headless chicken, who happens to own an arsenal of various weapons, wildly shooting at anything that moves, alerting all guards within a five mile radius and winding up ten minutes later with a flashing red health bar and a sea of corpses before me. But still victorious dammit! I’ll be playing the new Hitman over the New Year holiday and there’s no doubt it would be a contender for this award. In the meantime it goes to Dishonored.

The ‘I Thought This Game Was Cool But Now I Don’t Know WTF Is Going On And My Brain Hurts’ Award

Fez. I loved that little piece of pixel heaven when I thought it was just a clever, quirky platformer but once I found myself with deeper puzzles and starting to make notes then I was out of there. It’s still a great game but best left to the more dedicated brainiacs (or those who’ll google walkthroughs).

Best Way To Craft Massive Genitalia

It’s an unproven fact that 99.98% of people that downloaded the Curiosity app tapped away at those tiles until a wonky penis of sorts was created before them. The winner though has to be Minecraft (released on Xbox 360 in 2012). My Minecraft world is a little more classy and is now mostly free of blocky seven story tall penises although Boob Island, made from pink wool, still exists.

The Most Addictive Game Of 2012 Despite It Being Crap And A Waste Of Your Precious Life

This award goes to The Simpsons: Tapped Out. I downloaded it months ago onto my iPhone and it’s fairly rubbish really. EA want you to spend thousands of pounds (probably) on doughnut currency but I’m determined to play it and never open my wallet for them. I don’t even watch Simpsons anymore. This is a complete waste of my ti… oh brb, need to set Homer up with another four hour job and collect the latest batch of coins so I can unlock Santa’s Little Helper…

Best Free Game For Proving You’re Either A Brave Badass Or A Whimpering Wuss

That would go to Slender, a free download on PC, best played in the dark with a group of friends. I think I managed about five minutes before squealing like a girl (which is cool, because I am one) and shutting my laptop forever.

Most Improved Weapons In A Game

We’ll ignore the fact that despite looking great, there’s something a bit pants about Halo 4 and give it this consolation award. Finally the weapons actually feel like something you want to get your hands around, meaty and satisfying to fire off. This award also wins my Award For Best Innuendo In An Award.

Greatest Use For A Decapitated Head

One of Dishonored’s ‘perks’ was getting to decapitate guards and then carry the head around. I would leave them on BBQs or in toilets then close the lid. It was a charitable act for the poor townsfolk and would provide them with a moment of sheer terror to distract them from the horrors of the plague killing all their family and friends. This wasn’t my favourite decapitation moment of 2012 though, that goes to Lollipop Chainsaw and Nick, the boyfriend who’s left as no more than a wise-cracking head dangling from his girlfriend’s hip.

The ’Accidentally Driving Off Cliffs And Trying To Ride Tortoises And Climbing Radio Towers And Hunting Creatures In The Countryside To Make A New Bag For Your Shit When In Reality They Must Sell Bags In The Villages Which Would Save Time When Avenging Your Dead Brother. Oh Yeah I Forgot There Was A Plot’ Award

After mulling over all the nominees for this category I finally concluded that there can only be one true winner and that is Far Cry 3, the title that came out of nowhere and is pretty much a better version of Just Cause 2 with a David Attenborough-friendly twist.

Congratulations to all the winners! And a happy new year to my three readers. I hope 2013 brings us a plethora of gaming goodness despite the lack of many forthcoming titles that interest me…

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