The Geek Party Manifesto

My Twitter and Facebook feeds are bulging at the seams with political posts – anti-UKIP, pro-Green, Tories battling against Labour supporters. I don’t trust any of these parties, they lie and they don’t represent my interests so I’m creating my own party, The Geek Party. My campaign funds are a little low. I currently have £3.58p and a packet of Super Mix Haribo to my name but they say great things come from humble beginnings. Here is an outline of The Geek Party’s policies thus far.

EMPLOYMENT

  • Workers will receive three additional days holiday per year which will be allotted to Day One releases. Excited for the latest Halo or GTA? Want to experience the frustration of broken servers or have the opportunity to lie in after a midnight launch? Now you can, thanks to a dedicated day off.
  • Half day Wednesdays for those who subscribe to the Comic Belief System. You can finish work after lunch to pick up the latest issues and have the afternoon to read them at your leisure. For fairness, those who don’t read comics will get to experience Cake Wednesdays. Employers will be legally bound to provide a selection of tasty cakes to cheer up those mid-week blues.
  • Post-lunch nap breaks will be allowed. Forty minutes will be tacked on to your lunch. This will benefit employers as you’ll be refreshed and alert. Everybody wins.
  • An optional Next Gen Fund will be put in place for those on lower wages. A paltry £8 a month can be taken from your wages and placed in a secure account. Your console of choice will be available on day one from your local government Game Hub.

EDUCATION
  • Education is important. The Geek Party will remove the testing of primary school children to free up teachers time for more important issues. Our kids need to learn what’s really important so additional subjects will be added to the curriculum such as cosplay design, PC building and the history of video gaming. Children are currently leaving school not knowing the difference between Zelda and Link, they’re not appreciating how Battlefield 4 evolved from the likes of Asteroids and Double Dragon. This needs to end. Now.

NATIONAL POLICIES
  • Domino’s Pizza will be nationalised. Prices will be made more affordable and by 2018 it is our hope that Domino’s will provide a home delivery service to a minimum of 98% of the population.
  • Scotland. We love you. Don’t leave us. The Geek Party wants to bring the UK closer and less London-centric. We’ll have Mario Kart parties with Lorne sausage and Irn-Bru, Yorkshire pudding and jellied eels.
  • Unblocking websites. Piracy and porn has always been there and always will. ISPs will no longer be allowed to block websites. To combat justified concerns The Geek Party will build The Mini-Web. It will be a version of the internet for those under 16 with pre-approved, safe and monitored content so our children can innocently use ‘image search’ for their healthy eating homework without accidentally finding disrobed ladies and gentleman doing unconventional things with cucumbers.
  • The introduction of board games to all pubs and bars. Tired of making small talk with acquaintances? Sick of lugging your game collection around on the buses? Awkward silences on a date? The Geek Party will make the likes of Cards Against Humanity and Zombicide more accessible to the general public.

INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS
  • The Geek Party believe in controlled immigration. We are multicultural and that should be celebrated but certain criteria must be met. If an immigrant has sent an abusive Xbox Live message then they will be refused entry. They may require assistance in adapting to our culture so leaflets giving advice on how to best deal with Batman Vs Superman arguments will be distributed upon entry.
  • We will help fund the return of Firefly. And Deadwood.
  • Some days, you just can’t get rid of a bomb but we will strive to end all wars. Money spent on the military can be slashed and used to help fulfill other policies. International disputes will be resolved with a Peggle Duel.

Vote for The Geek Party. Make it so.

One Response to "The Geek Party Manifesto"

  1. Vincent says:

    You’ve got my vote!

Leave a Reply